It’s hard to believe I’m sitting down to write tonight especially since this morning I could barely get out of bed. The dark cloud of deep depression, exhaustion and feeling trapped inside my little house due to the heat and humidity have just gotten the best of me today. Our plumbing is backed up —again–and even though I should be excited I can’t do laundry or dishes until it’s fixed, this, along with everything else, is making me borderline crazy right now. (There’s much debate in my mind on whether I’m understating the term crazy just a bit ! Okay, jury’s in already on this one — it’s definitely an understatement!)
I called my Mom today for moral support. She asked the usual questions,
“Are you eating enough?” (yes) ” …getting enough rest?” (too much) ” …drinking enough water? ” (uhhh, no) ”
“If you’re not better soon, you need to see a doctor.” (ughhh)
Then she tells me the thing that seems to make the most sense …
“You know, it’ll take you at least 6 months to recover from this move!”
Really??? 6 months !!!??? That seems like such a long time and I wonder if I have that kind of time to recover. I mean … don’t things need to be done ? and doesn’t God have a plan for us here? and people who need to be loved? and all that good stuff??? How do you figure 6 months into the equation?
One of my best friends called today and as I was trying to explain the whole saga to her, words spilled out that began making sense to this draggy-mama-drama…
My body had physically arrived but my heart and soul were still on their way.
As the latter are still catching up, my body is absolutely exhausted trying to carry on normal life here without all the parts necessary to sustain the whole package that makes up “ME”.
I’m here …but not all here!
Under normal “me” circumstances, I would really be encouraging my friend on the phone — especially since her crying signals she’s desperate –and all I can come up with is , “You’re not alone! You’re not the only one going crazy! I’m right there with you, if that’s any help. We can just be crazy together !!” Ironically, the one place I felt I could truly say I really was “all here” was — “crazy” !
I sit numbly in church not really feeling totally engaged as they talk about opportunities coming up.
I feel flat-lined as I read e-mails and Facebook messages. I delete some of my comments — not sure if they’re making any sense or communicating the way my heart really intended.
While in the grocery store today I overheard a teenager calling, “Mom!” and I whipped around (like we all do when we hear that word because all mom’s respond to their name being called) and then I started crying because I don’t have any kids living in our home anymore …and yet I’m still very much a “mom” ! You see, my “heart and soul” are still somewhere between here (Alabama) and Connecticut and perhaps they’re stuck in traffic along I-40 or maybe they took a wrong turn and ended up somewhere in Colorado !!??
At one point today I just crawled back in bed hoping they’d get here soon. Maybe if I just go to sleep they’ll be here when I get up — that was my thinking anyway. Of course, one nap will not a whole person make — at least not today.
Along with everything else, the tears began spilling over and my husband did the next best thing he could think of … he took me out to eat at Ryan’s Buffet for some good southern sweet tea — and lots of good fried comfort food … all-you-can-eat ! (and I might add it was in an air-conditioned building!! Did I tell you it was 97 and very muggy here today !!!!???)
My motto through all of this move and transition has been a quote from Jim Elliot, “Wherever you are, be all there” but if I’m not all here to begin with then how can I completely be anywhere much less in the wherever or the there?
I keep thinking …tomorrow! …tomorrow I’ll wake up and I’ll be all back together again — all of me — heart, soul and body ! We really need all of the parts of our inner being to be whole and wholly there …here …anywhere.
For tonight, I rest …and trust that God is reconnecting me even when I don’t see the “U-Haul” carrying the rest of me pulling into my driveway yet. I rest … knowing that God is always working even when I have absolutely no emotional or physical energy to engage in much of anything. Now that I think about it, David even talks about this in Psalm 121 doesn’t he ?
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm —
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121 (NIV)
He tells me that God doesn’t slumber or sleep. He says the Lord will watch over my coming and going, even if I don’t feel much like I’m going anywhere!
I don’t really have to go anywhere! I just have to be with God on this. He’ll put the pieces that make up “Joy Martin” back together again . I won’t end up like Humpty Dumpty after all …although I might begin to take on a little different shape as the King Himself puts me back together again. I’m hoping my heart grew along I-40 and my soul deepened on the detour through Colorado. Until then, my neighbor brought me some sweet tea to give me some energy and tomorrow I’ll start all over again watching for that “U-Haul” to arrive!